This is an amazing account of a miraculous transformation in Maui this past February that tested the very fabric of true compassion and allowed 11 women to activate a code that moves beyond separation, through healing and into transformation. It was very individual for each woman but collectively it is amazing. What follows are two accounts of the incredible events, the first written by me (Nancy Joy) and the second written by my co-facilitator Lauren Pomerantz. It is amazing that we fell into the depths of separation only to hold hands as we walked through into compassion. This is happening now on our planet. This experience showed the way. If we are willing to dive into our darkness, the light can truly transform our pain. This template has been activated in the land of ancient Lemuria.
Story #1 by Nancy Joy Hefron
Eleven women gathered in Maui this past February for a Heartlights emotional healing retreat entitled ‘Creating Your Magical Self’. My dear heart friend Lauren who is an awakened and very conscious not to mention beautiful woman, had moved to Maui several years ago from the Bay Area. I had met Lauren through a woman’s gifting circle back in l994 and we bonded as fast friends through the years, remembering our ancient connection. Although we only met in person three times prior to this retreat, we spoke to each other frequently and helped one another through some tough times. Lauren traveled to Egypt with me in 2001. She has an incredible voice and is a talented musician with many CD’s to her credit. Her company is called Songbird Music. She also does healing sessions as Sky Medicine Horse Woman and her own workshops activating The Tree of Life in the physical body. Although she had never experienced my emotional healing retreats and we never worked together on anything, we felt strongly heart connected.
Last November during a chat, we began brainstorming about our lives and careers. I had completed my novel and had an Egypt trip scheduled for March but I hadn’t done a weeklong emotional healing retreat since the Yucatan in 2003. Lauren had purchased the perfect place to hold a retreat so we decided to partner up and give it a shot. Squeezing in the date that word work was hard for both of us but as soon as we arrived at one, the retreat flyer and intention easily and effortlessly created itself. For the first two months after posting and promoting the retreat, we only had one person sign up. Then, on New Years Day, four more people called me to join us! It was quite a hint for me of the year to come. Shortly after that our woman’s circle of 11 had formed. Men were welcome but none signed up. In retrospect I can more fully understand that. We were definitely creating space to heal some deep and long-term feminine issues.
Another client of mine, Tyla, had contacted me expressing her desire to attend but she had some ongoing financial issues and a boyfriend in Maui she also wanted to connect with. She felt she might be able to get down there by Sunday to join us (a few days late) but the money for the retreat would be an issue. I just gave her Lauren’s number and told her to call and we would see what happens. I kept Lauren up-to-dated on Tyla’s situation.
On February 9th eleven of us from all over the country gathered at Lauren’s home in Maui and walked down the hill to the beach to watch our first Hawaiian sun set together. The heart connection and bond seemed to be almost instantaneous. To me, no one felt as a stranger and we all seemed to snuggle into our shared living space quite amicably. Lauren, Jewel ( Lauren’s best friend in Hawaii) and myself shared Lauren’s bedroom. Lauren and I even shared her bed. We had our first group session Saturday morning and it seemed as though we were off to a fantastic start. Emotional breakthroughs happened magically and easily the very first morning and brought the group even closer in synch.
By the next day Tyla had contacted Lauren about meeting up with us and this seemed to trigger Lauren, bringing up feelings of intrusion into the group space. I, on the other hand, am ever the one to hold the door open and see what Spirit has in mind for us. I felt this woman needed our help and I also knew she would bring stuff up for others. I was right on both counts. As Lauren, Jewel and I chatted up on her deck overlooking the sea far below us, I could feel her resistance growing. Even at that point, I already knew that we had created a set-up to trigger ourselves and the group into expansion. Over the next evening and day the tension over this issue grew. What a set-up, the two facilitators moving into there stuff right away! Without going into all the details, on the evening before the full moon we all sat in Lauren’s garden and danced and sang and then some of us settled down for a chat. It wasn’t long before Lauren and I were again immersed in the Tyla issue. As we spoke we went around the circle and everyone shared their feelings agreeing that we would invite Tyla to our full moon ceremony on the volcano Haleakala the next day and see how it went from there. I could tell the group’s support to open to Tyla angered Lauren but she wasn’t in the space to go there with me, so I went on to bed. Quite a bit later Jewel and Lauren came upstairs turning on lights, laughing and joking and, in general, having no regard for the fact that I was sleeping. I noted my feelings and I knew all this would have to come up in group the next day. After all, if the facilitators can’t teach by moving through their issues and showing the group how to shift emotionally, how can we call ourselves teachers?
It was a long night sharing the bed together. We both tossed and turned and several times during the night Lauren actually kicked me and once even threw her arm across my face as she stretched restlessly into a new position. We were pissed. It was a frosty morning for the two of us filled with fake chitchat and I could hardly wait for group to start. I briefly considered addressing this alone first, but realized that we had created an opportunity and we would also need the assistance of the group heart to hold us in love as we walked through this situation.
We weren’t long into group after our opening when the subject came up and Lauren shared that she was mad at me last evening but by the time she had gone to bed she had created a scenario in her mind that felt comfortable and she was willing to understand my point of view. She told the group she went to sleep last night and slept peacefully. Well, that did it. I started out just letting go not worrying about what it sounded like or where my anger would take me. Lauren went numb for a time and stood in a controlled position until finally her composure broke and we both jumped head over heels into our emotional garbage. It was uncomfortable for the group but several of them stepped up to the plate and helped us along.
Lauren uncovered how, from the time she was a child, she had created stories in her mind to cope with pain and this pattern continued into adulthood. Rather then allow painful situations to take her into the uncontrolled and scary places where her true healing could occur, she created a scenario to lead her away from the fray. I revealed how angry it always made me to be the one to push people into their stuff. I also went deeper into the fact that I had trouble saying ‘no’ when it would mean hurting someone’. a pattern from my childhood. With the group’s help we both revealed patterns that we were changing. As the emotions calmed and we were able to breath in the truth of our own pain, we both began to shift. We held each other and cried as we walked out the other side into a new- found peace. The group felt the magic and they seemed in awe that two leaders could go to those uncomfortable emotional spaces in front of them. I felt personally very empowered. To do it any other way would not have been in integrity.
The afternoon with Tyla at Haleakala went well enough although the feelings between Tyla and Lauren were alive and noticeable. In the end, we all decided to move forward without her and she also decided she had other directions to follow. The following days of the retreat were very magical. Every morning we did group and the shifts each woman experienced were incredible. We swam in the sea, snorkeled, went out on a whaleboat, ate great food and just soaked up the sun and beautiful femenine energy of Maui. Valentines Day was a special honoring of the feminine as Jewel’s husband surprised us dressed in a tux with roses for every one and read us all an incredible poem honoring the female. Flowers arrived from several other men also and we felt so appreciated and awed by the validation. The bonds of friendship grew. There were other issues arising but always the group had the courage to take the next step. I actually felt the hardest step was over. I was wrong.
As time went by Lauren seemed to become more picky and controlling about little things around her house. Some of the woman shared their concerns with me and one said how much she liked Lauren but she felt like she was walking on eggshells and couldn’t relax and enjoy herself. I suggested sharing these feeling but she chose not to. I began to feel an undercurrent with the group and I realized that an energy was building to create yet another huge shift. Little did I know this one would involve me again also as the one to rattle the cage yet one more time. Nearing the end of the week, we headed down south to look for sea turtles, snorkel and visit a very special place called Secret Beach. It was a very magical and fun morning. We collected incredible shells, ate fish tacos from a vender on the beach, and swam naked at the very hidden Secret Beach. As we came onto the beach, Lauren and Jewel pointed out a huge lava rock formation that looked very much like a dragon with its mouth wide open. At one point sometime ago, Lauren had placed two very white pieces of coral in the dragon’s face creating prominent eyes to complete the effect. Just standing near it I could feel the dragon calling me.
Everyone was really having fun. We felt like little girls playing on the beach. I did notice that Jewel was talking to a woman who had approached the group and I saw that she was in emotional distress. Figuring she could handle that, I headed for the sea with a few others for a skinny dip and some great laughter but I observed that more of the group had gathered around the woman. As I playfully ran out of the sea to do some sun soaking, I had the strangest feeling that I was about to be challenged and that this time it would be very tough. I knew in my heart as I watched Lauren watching the women from our group chatting with the stranger that Spirit had brought us an even more difficult challenge. Now it was not just about a vague woman named Tyla but an emotionally devastated woman falling apart right before our eyes.
Things happen always with purpose and reason and they happened quickly from this point on. Jewel introduced me to Irena who fell crying right into my arms. I just held her and let her cry in a safe place, feeling her pain and grief. I knew we could show her the way through. It is my gift to walk people into the dark and teach them to integrate their feelings to find true peace. Jewel and I both knew that Lauren would have issues with this. The rest of the woman observing and listening could feel the challenge coming and I think everyone knew we couldn’t run from this one. This would be the real test of our group, our hearts and our ability to move through judgement as we took our next steps. I have found Spirit always shows the way as long as we step into and not away from our challenges.
I introduced Irena to Lauren and briefly shared the situation and then left them to feel their way through. As they talked, I could feel the group energy shooting at the two of them and I could feel Irena’s pain increase. Lauren’s energy was also tightening up. Things felt explosive to me. I tried to stay away from the two of them but then, at one point, my Spirit or maybe my ego, who knows which, pushed me right down on the blanket with them. That was it. The situation intensified. I, of course, had not doubt that Irena was to join our group because Spirit led her to our doorstep as much for us to take our next steps as for her. It was so simple for me, but not for Lauren. I discovered that one-way Lauren keeps things safe is to make sure they unfold as planned. That always makes Spirit laugh because of course, things very rarely unfold as planned. We held a short group right there on the beach for everyone to share their feelings and unanimously everyone wanted Irena to come home and join our group. No one felt the need to decide for how long or what it would look like accept Lauren. She set her boundaries and after some posturing on all our parts we agreed.
We packed up our things and headed to the car, stopping at the dragon rock long enough for everyone to crawl inside the mouth for a group picture with Irena. Now if that isn’t ever metaphorical, all of us in the mouth of the dragon about to be devoured. As we walked away, Jewel pointed out that someone had just sculpted a sand heart opposite the mouth of the dragon and it had an arrow piercing the bottom or point of the heart. She shared that this was exactly the same image created for the cover for my new novel, The Wounded Heart! I took pictures of that which was beyond coincidence from my point of view. I also knew in my gut that a wounded heart would be ripped open soon and perhaps more than one.
Arriving home at Laurens, it took the group a little time to change clothes and get ready for our afternoon session. During that time, some shared with Irena and got to know her including Lauren who discovered she was a musician also. Originally the plan for the afternoon was to have Lauren do some musical sharing and teaching because these were things she had wanted to offer the group. She was feeling that regardless of Irena’s joining us we should continue as planned. What a set up. I knew the group was ready to explode and needing to process. As Lauren and I stood in the kitchen she asked me what I thought. Feeling much like Judas, I told her to do what she felt was right and the rest would take care of itself. Indeed it did.
We gathered in Circle and Lauren began her planned program. The longer she played, sang and shared the more restless everyone became but, no one had the courage to speak up and move the group into the clearing that was pulsating in the shadows of everyone’s emotional body. The discomfort was so great that people started getting up and going to the bathroom and getting drinks of water but still Lauren continued. I met Irena coming out of the bathroom and she asked me if our sessions always began with a concert. I just gave her a hug and said, ‘Actually, never.’ I could easily have tapped Lauren on the shoulder long ago and suggested we move on but I knew my job. I held the space open for the shift. If I do the work for everyone, nothing really changes. I could feel the tension building. It was quite a pressure cooker.
Finally it was Irena who blew. She asked why Lauren wasn’t paying attention to her audience and responding to their energy. She said she came for emotional healing help and not a concert! That did it. It didn’t matter what Irena’s issue was, the point is she was brave enough to point out the elephant in the living room everyone else was trying to ignore. From there things just let loose. First I helped Irena own her anger and move into her pain. I encouraged her to stop crying and get mad. We ripped open her patterns and she clearly saw Lauren as her mother and it was so painful for her. With the group’s help, I showed her how to energize the anger and use it to shift the pattern. We held her in our womb of loving woman and sang to her. She was finally at peace and her healing was beginning. But, as you might have assumed, we were far from complete. Lauren had been devastated by Irena comments and the group’s response. She was feeling angry, betrayed and very wounded. Who can blame her? This was a very tough lesson she created for herself.
The next part of the evening was very difficult as everyone came clean with the feelings that had built up during the week. What made it so difficult was that every single woman loved Lauren and yet her resistance and control frustrated everyone. The next few hours were spent crying, talking, sharing and healing as we began to move into and through our own resistances and control issues. Lauren was of course our reflection. She had fear around allowing something into her field she couldn’t control and the rest of us had fear around having the courage to say our real truth knowing we could not control the outcome if we did. I knew the people Lauren loved and felt she served were in a sense, crucifying her. Every person in the group was responsible for creating this intense pain by not being real with their feelings to begin with. With holding feelings only serves to create a more uncomfortable situation then the one you were avoiding to begin with
As for myself, I was feeling I had played my role beautifully but I hurt for the pain it caused my friend. I knew in my heart that if Lauren could truly understand how this unhealthy pattern from her childhood caused so much betrayal and rejection in her life, she would be able to shift. She would finally be able to reconnect with her estranged daughters, heal the pain from her divorce, and attract a healthy relationship into her life. I was tired of watching Lauren create so much pain over and over again and, now, if she could own this, a new beginning would be put into motion. She was truly at the crossroads. Could she dive into this or would she shut down, create a scenario that would work for her and keep walking the same painful highway. I also knew that this was bigger than just our group. This was planetary. The point where this group was at that moment has always been the point in all human history were groups, families, or nations split into personality, judgment and self righteousness. Here is the point of separation and duality. Could we heal the wounded feminine heart of Lemuria? Could woman love each other enough to move beyond their point of view, their personalities and their own uncomfortable feelings and into compassion?
Here is where Lauren gets the highest of accolades. She stuck with me every step of the way. She expressed. She questioned. She felt and she began to take in the beauty of her own crucifixion. She began to embrace resurrection and a new, healthier way of living, as did we all through her example. More breakthroughs happened that day and evening too numerous to explain but by the end of the night, we shared food and simply felt love. Irena had long since departed, having received what she had come for and we were, one again, a beautiful group heart of 11 woman that had just traveled to a scary place and returned stronger and more clear than every before. Talk about Maui Magic!
One more important piece bears sharing before I bring this journey to a close. I told Lauren that the voices of these woman and all they said to her would haunt her. Her ego would get in there and try to destroy what we had created. I suggested that she not allow that to happen and wake me up if her ego starts to work its control patterns on her over the nighttime. It seemed to me Lauren slept well, I know I did. At about 4:00 in the morning, I rolled over knocking a lamp near the bed. Lauren said, “Nancy are you awake?’ Sleepily, I said, ‘I am now.’ She asked if we could talk and we decided to get dressed and walk down to the beach so we did not awaken everyone else in the house. As I headed toward the door I was facing a mirror and saw a large brown thing in my hair. We had been wearing flowers in our hair all week and it was in the exact same position as my flower usually was.
‘What is that in my hair,’ I asked Lauren.
‘Oh my God!’ she shouted. ‘It’s a cock roach!’
I quickly brushed it from my hair and as it landed on the wall below the mirror, Lauren slammed it and it fell dead to the floor. We both stood there stunned.
Finally we headed down to the beach. I thought Lauren would need to rehash everything that was said to her but actually, she just had a lot of questions about how this emotional healing and compassion really worked. We talked for more than two hours growing closer and healing more with every word, tear and hug. At some point I began to cry, thanking the cockroach. Lauren helped me see that it represented what people preserved as dirty and unclean. It is what they don’t want to see. The dirt underneath
that is hidden. My gift requires that I expose that dirt people don’t want to see.
I started laughing and telling Lauren that I think the cockroach should be my new
By the time the sky hinted slightly of the coming dawn, she felt very at peace and truly clear. I felt so happy that we had moved through a very difficult passage and still held onto our friendship. We decided we were hungry and headed back up the hill to her house to make some breakfast. As we chatted and walked along the row of streetlights, we were talking about going into the shadows to heal and find their beauty. I explained that the dark had velvety wings to hold you and magic to show you if you move through your fears to find its wisdom. We had stopped to look up at the sky when the blazing street light directly opposite us blinked off. As it did we noticed how beautiful the early morning sky was in its fading darkness. The stars still twinkled and the sky was beautiful. This was hidden when the streetlight was blinding us from enjoying the beautiful scenery of the darkness surrounding us. It was magical for her to see that the light is not always where you want to be. It is about integration and valuing both. God, in wisdom, created both the darkness and the light and it was in the void (absence of light) where all creation occurred. Magically, as we continued up the hill, every streetlight we passed turned off and then on again as we approached the next one. How powerful are we!
Creating our Magical Selves was adeptly named. I am in such gratitude for these women and the role each one played as we set new levels of consciousness within ourselves and for the planet. I am filled with awe and wonder at my own ability to create emotional magic. And I admire Lauren for taking the steps with me. It was most difficult for her. I have stood at this crossroads many times before but I have rarely connected with someone powerful and courageous enough to keep stepping into the fear with me to find their power from their willingness to take the journey.
Now, it’s onto Egypt in just two short weeks. I know that group of eleven men and woman will be challenged to expand what we had created in Maui by stepping through their garbage, patterns and personalities to hold our group heart in the face of adversity. It would be even harder in Egypt as we are always on the move and there is just not much time to process. Four from this Maui group were traveling on to Egypt, taking our magic with us forming the four corners of the pyramid or four cardinal point of the medicine wheel. We are all looking forward to the next step.
*I want to acknowledge that this story is told through my eyes, feelings and heart. I am not speaking for the other woman but I do want to thank them as I am filled with gratitude for the courage and beauty they express on our planet. Thank you Lauren, Jewel, Diane, Wendy, Deb, Sally, Linda, Margaret, Janelle and Kayleen. (Two sets of sisters and one mother and daughter!) I am so truly blessed.
Story # 2 by Lauren Pomerantz www.laurenpomerantz.com
Up until Nancy wrote her account of the experience ‘Creating Your Magical Self,’ I was floating on the outcome of the miraculous break through for everyone I witnessed and certainly not the least of which was my own during our February Maui adventure. All I held about the event was its unmitigated success, the outcome which I viewed as each person having cleared and cleansed becoming brighter, shinier, full of inspiration and expressing gratitude and happiness. Tears had been shed from the depths of our souls that resulted in a fresh new self after the rainstorm. Great work. It was an amazing stroke of fortune that brought together these women who did the work to ‘metamorphosis’ themselves. The Group energy actually worked for the individual and not against the individual. It couldn’t have happened without any one of us. All were willing to do the work even if the process it involved would reinvoke a trauma. Once the emotions are expressed, the trauma can be released and one is on the road; either a process of healing or instant healing. And so I saw it done before me. The goal Nancy and I set was achieved. Because of the refreshed canvas of the soul, the magical self had the opportunity to create life again with new verve and passion and commitment. Hooray!!
Well, I was surprised that I was triggered when I read her account. I felt shame as she recounted my part in the story. I felt the oaf, the insensitive and I remembered the pain. To be recounted in the story as the most resistant, the one different from the rest, the one with the problem creating what came forth was painful to see. My mind could correct the little pieces I remembered differently, but my mind couldn’t refute that it was a messy process that hurt and devastated and shattered me. With the mind I had to remind myself that I am not to control another person’s point of view. Allow Nancy the fullness of her expression and trust that she is telling her truth with the most honesty and true love and honor I know her to have and be. I said to myself, ‘Let’s pretend she got a detail ‘wrong’ and in my viewpoint would speak from her own ‘imperfect’ perspective, would I allow her to be as she is? Could I love her as I wish to be loved?’ Yes. Yes. A woman who walks her talk is Nancy to me. I love her with a richness and depth I rarely experience. I have a new appreciation of an already incredibly trusting and deep relationship that seems to have been there instantaneously between us some 13 years ago when we first met.
The workshop was the fruit of Nancy and my unique work of the last 13 or so years. We had gifts we brought to the collective table. There are also archetypes of energy between us, Almine’s and Jelalia’s, both close associates. Nancy and I working together is more archetypal and important than I know, say my guides.
I had to admit that when I read what Nancy began to recount, I felt renewed shame and pain rise in me. Defensive mind arose. ‘ That’s not exactly true etc.’ I couldn’t even get through and decided it wasn’t good for me to read right now. I thought later I’d read it when the time is right. Because I wanted to linger still and smell the roses of the singular feeling of the outcome, which to me was clearly a success on every level and one of the pivotal experiences I’ve witnessed so far in my life, I hesitated.
There was the use of my house space for such, the joining of me by beloved friend Jewel and Nancy and Deb and Sally who I loved and already knew. Neutral/slightly negative with Diane from the Egypt trip of 2001 I knew before and all the rest of the women who Nancy’s energy and work had brought in to our group. I was truly hoping Diane and I would get along just fine as Nancy had become closer to her than ever before and Diane was now her travel coordinator. Any friend of Nancy I wanted to be a friend of mine.
Well Spirit prompted me to read Nancy’s story in full in just a few days, to feel what the residue was and really write out my perspective and crystallize the gifts gained in writing.
Why was I pointed out to be the ultimate resistance? What was the gold of the experience that I need to really get? I realized that my personality could go into mind isolation and arrogance about the thinking that tried to figure out what was best but not be one with the group. That was one of my power gifts, to go into such self concentration that I can remember songs in foreign languages and feel the story and words even if I haven’t sung it for 3 years. Close my eyes and go deep to retrieve. But was I also cut off and blinded? Did I use that sometimes as an excuse for not being in the flow with the group?
How was it that a woman as sensitive as me, as Sky Medicine Horse, that part of me undoubtedly has shown me how sensitive and right on I can be (through the proof from my grateful and praising clients) be so insensitive that it took a huge force to shatter my mind/ emotion wall? Nancy spoke that week of Judas and Christ and resurrection. However we term it, there was a shattering.
I saw my fear of what was scary and wildly unpredictable to me create an emotional reaction that isolated myself to figure out what was best for the situation and the group. The arrogance of thinking my way through might be compared to an overly ‘Yang’ Gevurah, one of the spheres in the Kaballah. While Strength is itself a beautiful quality that life develops in us, sometimes strength can turn overly rigid, too protective and inappropriately self-absorbed as a coping method. .
As my story that follows will reveal, this was a set-up by Spirit for these learnings. I was going to learn that if I isolated myself and followed ‘the plan’ I would avoid ‘the plan.’ So with my gift to isolate my vibration in order to create from a deep and unique place that connects on other levels, it also was a skill that can cut me off from the group vibe. So feel free in the future to lovingly tap me on the shoulder or speak up if the group wants to go another way. Neither Nancy nor I were fully responsible. We learned, I believe, that it’s a matter of all of us taking responsibility for the whole. Allow me the mistake of not being fully aware from whatever pattern I may be in, and help me by speaking up- considerate of my feelings please- but still speak up! That’s what I believe I learned about the group dynamics and myself. Nancy was tired of always doing it. I had learned to isolate and needed help to break my protective defensive barrier.
I marvel at the 11 women who experienced ‘Creating Your Magical Self’ in Maui. I feel love for them all. When I think of the experience, I remember the experience as one of the most successful groups that changed each individual’s life and also a collective energy on the planet. The work was real, authentic, and deep. I marveled at Nancy’s fortitude and role. I saw my co-leadership with a new appreciation and each woman with a refreshed gratitude.
I see the experience for me was to not fear what appears when my ‘nice plans’ are interrupted. With Nancy’s perspective, I see that was key for my experience and healing, to embrace more openly that which flows into an experience as a gift. AND, as I reflect in distance, I do not wish to throw away my good sense of boundaries either. I value that skill, having good boundaries. I can help others with establishing boundaries if they have trouble saying no. I am not going to throw out one for the other. Many of my best friends have commended those skills I’ve nurtured and honed. However, this was the time where my learning would be on the side of flow and to let in what Spirit was offering however strange and unwelcome I felt it to be. As a medicine woman I know better. As a wounded child I did what I did.
As the Hawaiian’s say, here’s my talk story:
In my personal conversation with Tyla, I heard her say to me one day after the group was already in progress that she’d like to join the group in a few days. A few days??? It was already Sunday and people had arrived on Friday. Why not join just today, a day late? It didn’t feel right to me and her reasons for being late weren’t strong enough for me. There were no deaths or injuries or unforeseen circumstances. I felt responsible for the group dynamics that had already bonded and I felt that it would be an interruption to have her join in. My decision about asking her to join for Haleakala is that we already had an outing planned with 2 men (Kent and Maika) who would join us and that seemed appropriate. I felt that Nancy was doing a favor for someone she felt obliged to, returning a generosity that Tyla had given her when she traveled to Williston, North Dakota this past fall. Two of the women had also expressed to me a concern to have her join ‘ way through. I can see the truth. I had trouble adjusting to the change and, emotionally, I was triggered. I felt like the bad guy of the group. And still I felt the way I felt. In my mind, I was willing to do it for Nancy who was so very grateful for the flow that Tyla had brought to her life months before. It felt safe for her to join at Haleakala but my boundaries were up, I admit. Not because of her. I didn’t know her. Under other circumstances I believe I would have wanted and attempt to know her. For me, it really was also about not interrupting the energy of a group already formed. And, of course, I was blind to the gift spirit was presenting to me. I don’t remember kicking or hitting Nancy that night while we slept. My mind tells me still now that it was strange for me to sleep with someone in my bed and I was so menopausal. Covers on. Covers off. Still I respect Nancy said it was my emotional unhappiness that was underlying my movements. I am open to that. I just didn’t experience that consciously.
The other point I’d like to clarify about the day with Irena, was I felt more loyalty to uncovering the layers of wounds of the women who had signed up for the experience and was still feeling like there was more to express. I felt especially loyal to Deb and Sally. I felt they were still warming up to expose their deeper wounds and needed to do the work. I couldn’t understand why someone out of the blue, would be able to monopolize the afternoon rather than the women who had signed up. I didn’t see others point of view. As the other co-leader I felt responsible to speak with her but while I was talking to Irena and trying to understand why she should join the group, Nancy got impatient and imposed on that conversation. I remember her saying that she was sick and tired of my controlling and wouldn’t be able to work with me in the future if I didn’t let Irena join the group. Wow. I felt judged by Nancy and hurt. Why wouldn’t she give me some time to see if this is right? Why did she reject me if I didn’t immediately feel and think like her? I asked her for patience as I was trying to get to other’s point of view. I needed to make my own way through. Well no more time was allowed, she said, and then I asked each person in the group if this is what they wanted and each person said yes. Therefore my idea that it would take from the others in the group was negated and I preceded with it the best I could. I did my best truly to open my home to her and to the group.
Sometime before that day, Nancy and I had agreed that I would present some of my tools I’d created for emotional work in my Songbird CDs, handbook for excellence and flashcards I had done. Not to dwell on them but to contain it in an hour presentation in the afternoon so if someone wanted to use the tools I had created, they would at least know they existed. Following this, we would do the emotional work Nancy masterfully leads us into, ‘Do Group.’ Earlier I had asked Nancy if I should proceed now that Irena would be joining? She said she thought we should go on as planned. I personally felt this was a horrible time to do this, which to me was a precious and valuable presentation. It seemed like opening for someone when everyone wanted to hear the next act. I heard Nancy say to me, ‘Yes, proceed with what you had planned.’
I still didn’t feel quite right about it inside and then just before we began, I asked Nancy again and she said to me, do what you think is best. Later she told me that was the Judas part of the play. Originally I was going to play with the flashcards and do whatever songs felt right. But given the circumstance of charged emotions, I decided to present a different type of my music that included some of the songs of emotional pain that came from Medieval Spain. They seemed apropos to the pain that Irena was obviously carrying. Unfortunately, I was the only one besides Nancy who knew of this earlier Plan. That, now, I see created an unusual agony for the group’s emotional field. ‘Why were there more then one or two songs they thought?’
I originally had organized for about an hour of this special presentation that I had cherished and anticipated doing for the group from the beginning of the time when people arrived. It is customary to remember the deep feelings and words in a foreign language that I kept my eyes closed. I could feel the tension of the group but I interpreted that people were also moving emotions because of the songs I was choosing. I wasn’t aware that everyone was impatient and mad at me. I was going to then open it up for our next planned activity of Nancy’s group but before that could happen, the group and first Irena told me I was selfish and self centered and why was I presenting my music when the work for this woman, Irena, needed to happen? What ???!!! I didn’t want to sing if people didn’t want it. I was singing for them I thought. I abhor the idea of singing for people who don’t want to hear it. And the group didn’t know that Nancy and I had arranged this time on this day for my presentation. Each person said very hurtful things for me to hear and in my memory not one person stood up for me. Maybe Nancy did in that she said she knew she was setting me up for this to happen. She talked about Judas and Christ needing each other for the resurrection to take place. It was a horrible painful experience that day. Even Jewel spoke harshly to me. I still hear her words. Why did the group not decide as a whole to have the emotional work first? Why did Nancy not assist me to postpone what she knew was special to me, my musical tools and realignment tools? I wasn’t surprised by Diane’s cold reaction to me, as it was there everyday. I guess the word I remember feeling was her disdain for me. So I just bore through it and felt betrayed by everyone who didn’t speak up. Of course, they couldn’t understand what the heck I was doing because they hadn’t been told, and I didn’t say ahead of time, that this was the day that my presentation was going to happen this unusual ‘concert/presentation time’. After it all transpired, I thought I’d never sing again, certainly not for this group and maybe never again. I remember I looked at the group and there wasn’t a face I felt ok seeing. They all had been mean to me. They said mean things. They had chosen this woman they didn’t know before this day over me and I was just ‘trashed’ and discarded for this weeping woman. Why was our group responsible for her healing I wondered? She trashed me the most I remember. I saw her shivering and brought her a shawl from upstairs. She just threw it on the floor. She berated me for not accepting her and I said no I didn’t at first, but here you are at my house. I have accepted you here. It was painful to live. And I remember it of course from my own point of view.
I remember getting up and having my ‘turn at bat’ which has a whole new meaning now!
In the end, Irena left. I somehow endured and then saw the healing emerge as each person I confronted also realized that they had the power to change the situation and shift it for everyone’s benefit at anytime. Nancy said she was tired of being the one to speak up and change the situation. Everyone must take equal time as the ‘bad’ guy.’ Why did she have to speak up always and play the role she hated some times. I felt so shattered I couldn’t even believe this had happened. These are the people I’ve invited to my house? I invited this situation into my life?
I somehow slept but awoke restless hearing the painful things again at 4 am. Nancy had told me don’t just bury it but get her up if I was going through more trauma. Talk about walking her talk, she rose up without hesitation and even thanked me!! and off we went. It was so important too; that she gave me time to be processing what had happened. It didn’t just go away. The wounds were still gaping.
That morning before we went, yes, there was a cockroach where there ‘should’ have been a Hawaiian flower in Nancy’s hair. On behalf of Spirit, I want to emphasize that the cockroach that appeared in Nancy’s hair in the morning was a Spirit Sent Being. I’ve never seen another cockroach that size again. For me it was about Nancy having to do this dirty role of the shadow emotions that are so uncomfortable for us all. She was sick and tired of it and yet all of sudden she saw the immense value of her role.
By me telling the group that at that moment I didn’t like anyone there, I was liberated from being Nice Lauren to being a more Authentic Lauren. And that was the pathway to healing. Nancy’s burden was being given a lift. Others now had to take responsibility for speaking up. Lauren was going to now be more authentic and less afraid of what was really happening. Everyone was taking their power back. Nancy was getting to shift into her feminine soft beauty and a pink flower in her hair represented wearing soft grace.
One chapter more remained for me. The last day I believe, I said I have one more thing left undone and that is that I feel rejected by Diane. And her sneering laugh at me at the ocean the day before still haunted me. Her superiority and closed door to me was still there and my heart was hurting. I had become authentic enough to expose my wound. I remember Nancy shouted ‘GOOD! for you Lauren!’ I cried and I think Diane might have cried too. I asked if she could open her heart to me? She said she’d try. And here is the magic of spirit. Before the group came I thought I bought a Klingman Cat Calendar for year 2006. My personality loved its cuteness. When I got home from Borders I was shocked. There was a beagle dog calendar that I had no feeling for. I asked the group did anyone have a connection to Beagles? It was Diane who did. Her beloved dog beagle had died that past year. Amazing. Then when the totem animal selection time came (Nancy brought us each a totem), I picked the rose quartz rabbit. It is the totem animal for overcoming fear and it was in the form of rose quartz representing gentle, unconditional lovingness. How perfect!!! And who was giving up the rabbit as her totem? Diane! In the end, I was enormously honored that Diane left some of her mother’s ashes in the vesica pisces of my sacred geometry garden. I bonded with Diane and still almost feel tears come to my eyes when I think of her. I am now feeling very fond of her. I found the place inside myself to love her and for my part, now have a special bonding. I had pained myself to think someone so close to Nancy didn’t want anything to do with me.
I know that I can’t remember these events in objective proportion.
I know these are my truthful perceptions of what I experienced while it happened.
I remember that the following day before everyone left I sang more beautifully than I had ever heard myself sing, which just the day before seemed an impossibility. I know I love each one of these women more than when they first began.
I can never thank Jewel enough for her ‘walking the talk’ and deep loving friendship that I cherish like the air I breathe. She helped me tremendously set the space for the house and I believe she is a gift to everyone who meets her. Everyone knows I adore and cherish her. I could name each one of you for your beautiful gifts. My old friends, Deb and Sally, I love you more than ever. ‘Talk Story’ could go on and on. Editing could go on and on. The wonderful new looks of beauty and playfulness of the goddesses. But these are the stories I leave others in our group to share. Thank you Nancy, Jewel, Deb, Sally, Nell, Kayleen, Wendy, Diane, Margaret, Linda, and Lauren (myself), Irena and Tyla (our two guests) , Kent and Maika (our two men who held strength for us at Haleakala), Huaka and Koali (the two male canary songbirds) whose sweet songs were a vital part of the transformation. They always sang at the most appropriate times. Thank you!
Sky Medicine Horse
400A Auhana Rd.
Kihei, HI 96753
707 688 6042