Radical Trust: An Incredible Creation Story
An early warm spring day in Washington D.C. back in l994 found me sitting on the patio of a friend’s home on the Potomac River. It was probably April, all though I cannot exactly recall. I do remember the grass was green and the earliest bulbs were flowering. You could tell the green buds on most of the trees where ready to explode and D.C.’s famous cherry blossoms were already springing forth in some places. Mark (my future husband) and I had come to enjoy the spring, the sites in D.C. and visiting our good friend Ann who was working in politics. Her boss at the time owned her own fund raising company and was hosting us along with some other friends at her beautiful Potomac home.
At that point in my life, my relationship with Mark was relatively new. I was two years out of my 25-year marriage and one year out of a business partnership. My Spiritual counseling was taking off and I had my own company, Heartlights. I had created and distributed a series of incredible meditation tapes, which this group of people loved. I also created and facilitated workshops and arranged sacred journeys.
Although this was a conservative crowd, I had already had sessions with some of the woman and they were all interested in exploring their Spiritual sides. As I began to share and teach my perspective on the value of emotions and the role they play in our lives the talk expanded and came into a great depth. These people were open to understanding that they had wounds that needed to be healed and they were learning the value of their feelings. These were new ideas to them and those who had worked with me privately were already eager to learn more. On the one hand, I was a seed Spirit planted in their garden and they were watering me and amazed as they responded to my unfolding wisdom. By the same token, they were seeds Spirit planted in my garden. Those open to germinating their own Spiritual potential energized me. And it was in this culture that the seed of an idea was planted that would change my life.
The setting was so comfortable and relaxed. One of the woman commented that just sitting around sharing these Spiritual teachings in this wonderful non-threatening setting would be a good way to begin to acclimate people gently into things a little out of their comfort zones. As we began talking, our group soon turned into a creative session of exploration. My message or should I say Spirit’s message was important to get out and this group of Washington friends were on fire. My sharing had helped them in their lives and they wanted to find a comfortable way to share such things with others on a wider basis.
My friend, Ann, was most drawn to exploring media. She was a fan of late night infomercials and shared how she could see that all of us sitting around sharing could create a terrific infomercial. We all fantasized as to what that might look like and how it could be done. The rest of the patio time was spent in a mode of creativity and expansion that seemed to energize us all, most particularly Ann, Mark and myself. Who would have even imagined that these ramblings, these Spiritual seeds, would bloom into an actual infomercial by next spring!
Anyway, I returned to my life as I knew it and pretty well filed this whole infomercial idea way back into my subconscious. Around a month later I went on my first dolphin free swim on a boat in the Bahamas with an incredibly wonderful and varied group of woman, none of whom I knew previously. We happened to be on the open seas the night of the Sirius Periastrum. This occurs once every 52 year when the three suns of Sirius align in a perfect eclipse. In my spiritual studies, I had learned that the dolphins came to our planet as guardians millions of years ago to hold the field for our planet’s conscious shift into compassion. In fact, all cetaceans (whales, manatees and dolphins) hold this particular assignment. That explains why they have such incredible encounters with humans. They are our teachers. As always with me, I had no idea why I had to go on this particular trip or that it was taking place during this special celestial event. The date was April 23, l995.
That evening we had done a ceremony connecting with Sirius and with the dolphins. As we were sitting in the lower cabin sharing our feelings and insights, one of the crewmembers called us up on the top deck to look at Sirius saying that he had never seen anything like this. When we arrived up top and scanned the horizon for Sirius holding its spot just below Orion as the closest and brightest star in our skies, we gasped in amazement. The beautiful bright blue Sirius had grown in size like a brilliant flash of light one might see during the 4th of July fireworks. And, in similar fashion bright streamers of rainbow colors were shooting from its epicenter. We were all stunned and somehow knew we were witnessing something incredible. As I watched the brilliant light show, my heart cracked and I began sobbing from a place deep inside of me that I did not know even existed. I felt lost and alone and yearned to go home. Somehow this star and its display triggered the feelings of home in me. I finally fell asleep on the deck exhausted from my emotional connections and awoke the next morning quite changed.
As with any transformation, I knew something was forever changed in me, as I had never felt my heart and my emotions that deeply. It was a painful sweet ecstasy, if that makes sense. It hurt so good to experience that emotional memory. The next four days we saw no dolphins what so ever. I just knew they were preoccupied with what ever it was that happened that night. This was a good thing in some way because it gave us, and me in particular, the opportunity to integrate our experience at a deep cellular level.
On the flight home from this dolphin experience, I sat next to a young businessman who noticed my dolphin tee shirt and incredibly dark tan and we struck up a warm conversation. It felt almost as if two old friends were chatting and catching up on old times. He worked for a media company in Kansas City that produced infomercials. What a coincidence. Although that was absolutely the furthest thing from my mind, I knew that something beyond me was being divinely orchestrated. After we changed to different planes in Chicago, I placed the card he had given me in my wallet and moved into my return home.
A few weeks after I had settled back into my routine with my clients and workshops, I had a very instructive wakeful dream. I was shown myself making this infomercial with a group of 11 other people. I couldn’t see many of their actual faces but Mark and Ann were definitely with me. The studio was in Kansas City and the morning we shot the infomercial was spring equinox l996. The dream was so real I knew it was a message and I also understood somehow that I had to create this. It wasn’t going to be a miracle with someone phoning me one day and saying, “Hey Nancy Joy, you have a wonderful message to share with the world and we would like to create an infomercial to help you spread the word. We will pay for everything and, by the way, we will shoot this in Kansas City on Spring Equinox l996!”
No. I quickly realized that I would have to create this on my own somehow. I felt certain that if I put all my energy into this creation the steps would unfold for me to make this possible. Somewhere deep inside me I knew that to accomplish this intention (and I only knew the half of that!) I would be required to manifest the money and the people to pull this together. As I chatted with Ann and Mark we all got more and more excited. They were both such a support and encouraged me. That helped me believe that I could pull this together. This little seed that had sprouted three month earlier in our nation’s capital had broken through the ground and was growing in my garden rapidly. I almost felt like this was Jack’s beanstalk in my yard or the huge model the hero in Close Encounters of a Third Kind was impulsed to create in his family room much to the chagrin of all those who knew him. This was perhaps my Field of Dreams. Over the next month I became possessed and passionate about this project. I knew it was mine to do no matter what and the more I energized this knowing the more I created the flow.
Things quickly became quite amazing in my life. By the early fall I had contacted the media company in Kansas City only to discover that this man was no longer with them. I connected with another man at the same company and felt his energy truly wanting to be a part of this project. Soon Ann, Mark and I were on a plane to Kansas City to meet with him and explore the feasibility of this project. Guidance and dreams had provided me with more basics by the time we arrived. I wanted to have a living room setting with a group of 12 of us sitting around chatting and sharing our hearts to bring forth my Spiritual messages. The meditation tapes were to be the product. I wanted to divide the group into three groups of four and each group would be sharing a different aspect of my message. I could picture this in my mind so clearly. And, of course, it would have to be shot on Equinox, which in l996 happened to be a Thursday. Thank God it wasn’t a weekend or the cost would have been prohibitive. The meeting went well and the company agreed to send me a quote on the project soon. I had not a clue what financial obligation this would entail.
That part was one of the most amazing parts of all! I had a dream a few nights later that I would come up with this money all on my own and it would be for me to create this project with no debt but with trust. The money was to come from me personally. I was to invest my resources in its creation. Or, the money could come from gifts with no obligation from those who believed and supported the project and my message. YIKES! This was scary. This was so scary. I was in some sort of creative vortex and I was being carried along the wave like it or not. Most of the time I felt very passionate and confident. I saw this not only as an important message but a doorway to my future. When I allowed my mind to wonder I could see how this would catapult me into a whole new life. I would have a viable business were I would actually make money and my Spiritual message would reach the hearts of many.
A few weeks later a registered letter with the quote enclosed and a contract found their way to my door. I was nervous as I opened it and shocked to my core when I read the figure. The cost would be $111,000 (interesting number). What was I thinking? After my initial shock I just thought, well here I go. I decided to put one foot in front of the other and follow the flow. My first step was to commit my resources, which at the time were not even close. I was two years out of a divorce supporting myself on my Spiritual work and my child support. This would mean I would have to let go of my future security and nest egg completely and still that would not be enough to make this project happen. At the time, I had a monthly printed newsletter that went out to my mailing list of about 400 clients. I wrote an article sharing my story and asked to be contacted by any who would chose to either gift the project or be one of the 12 participants in the show.
Help started to coalesce immediately. As we moved toward the 1995 holidays, I had my volunteers for the taping and several large quantities of unexpected money came my way. Believe me I was so shocked and amazed as several sources gifted the Heartlight’s Infomercial large personal gifts. An incredible lady in Washington D.C. I didn’t even know well sent me a check for $10,000! A dear friend of mine who had shared so much of herself with my over the years I lived in Iowa wrote me a check for $5,000. Ann contributed $3,000 and Mark another $2,000! My newsletter created a number of wonderful smaller donations. Adding my resources to what was coming in, I was on my way. I was to pay for the project in installments and before the New Year the first check went out. Personally, I cashed in my retirement accounts and put in my savings at the time.
As I look back on this now, I don’t know where I got the courage. I was building my own field of dreams, financing the major part myself and I didn’t really know exactly what I would say on the show and if anyone would even listen to the message. This is another really amazing part of my story. My guidance encouraged me to go with no script and allow the flow of the energy between the 12 of us to create the message. I knew that each of the 12 played a distinctly different role and each person would add their piece to the grid we were creating. I knew even back then that one of my main jobs on this earth was to help build the compassion grid around our planet. This infomercial was to be a major piece. I believe now that this knowing was imparted into every cell in my body as my heart cracked open on that dolphin boat back in April. I just didn’t consciously know it at the time.
After the New Year, Ann, Mark and I had several more meetings with the media company and I had developed a great relationship with our account coordinator whose name was also Mark. Interestingly but not coincidently, during these next three months, Mark had a falling out with one of the VP’s of this company and he had to move through his own fears and emotions to play out his agreement in our creation. I could watch that unfold somewhat more detached then what was going on for me. In fact, I was soon to discover that each person involved was required to move through huge personal issues before, during or after their participation. The project was a catalyst for transformation at many levels. Anyone of his or her journeys could be a story unto itself.
I had recently completed a study of sacred geometry in a program called the Flower of Life with a man named Drunvelo. I had been profoundly moved by his teachings and learned an amazing meditation called the Merkaba. Through dreamtime I knew I was to use the sacred geometric patterns that had connected me so profoundly to the grid through this meditation. We worked with an artist who included the sacred geometric graphics. I also knew that part of the day’s activity before the shooting would be to create a Merkabic field around Kansas City and in the studio. This was as critical as shooting on Equinox and being in Kansas City. Believe me, there is a reason I followed these intuitive knowings even when they appeared to make no sense. There is a greater plan. I am glad I didn’t know the whole plan at the time or I doubt I could have kept stepping forward.
I sent the second payment out one day realizing that we would be shooting within a month and that I didn’t have the rest of the money needed. It could have been either blind faith or stupidity that kept me going but it wasn’t. It was what I would call radical faith. I just knew I could so do this. I was amazing even myself but I was so driven that I am sure I bordered on some kind of labeled diagnosis that wouldn’t have sounded stable at all, even to me. I was to bring the last payment with me and it was for $9,998. About one week before Equinox my mother sent me a check in the mail for€no kidding $9,998! That is unbelievable I know. My Mom had taken to sending each of her three children a $10,000 gift every now and again because one can do that once a year with no tax penalty. She usually did that every year but one could never know when or depend on that in any way. I realize that even though my Mom didn’t consciously know it, she supported my Spiritual journey in many incredible ways. That is, however, another story. When I called her to thank her, I asked her why the strange amount, why not $10,000. She said, “Oh, I don’t know. I just wanted to be different so I changed the amount for fun!” What an “in tune” woman she was. She was also sending me a message of support in a profound way. Even though in her conscious mind she would have been terribly worried and upset with me if she knew I was spending my future nest egg on this crazy scheme, she knew in a way it was perfect.
As I was putting together my meditation tapes and journals for distribution through the infomercial, several other friends wanted to be part of the Heartlights package we were offering. These three friends had a huge impact on my life and I was honored to offer their gifts also. It was once again synchronistic as each of them came to me, I did not solicit their products. In the end, Heartlight’s offered beautiful music cassette that created healing sounds channeled from the heart of Spirit appropriately called The Tree of Life by my friend, Lauren Pomeranz. We had a Peace Packet with essential oils created by my herb friend and diva mother Annie Noah and a beautiful book entitled Blueprints of Love created by my friend Paul Manuel. Each of these products were included at great expense and offered in blind faith by these three just because they knew it was somehow important. I honor them so totally for following their hearts and not being blocked by their fear.
We headed down to Kansas City the day before the shooting. Most of us were from Iowa but Minneapolis, Washington and Texas were represented too. We had a wonderful reunion and a great dinner that night. Even though I was the only common denominator, everyone melded like a beautiful family coming together for such a divine purpose. I couldn’t have felt more blessed and supported. Those of us who understood the grid work set the Merkabic field through meditation that evening. We awoke an hour before sunrise and drove out to a site at Shawnee Mission Park in Kansas City where Mark and I had been guided to a location on a rise with a clear view to the east. We circled in meditation and prayer as we chanted the Mayan greeting to the sun. This Equinox was magical beyond belief. We all felt this to the core of our very being. If I was crazy, so were we all. I will never forget that morning as the Equinox sun rose and awakened my heart giving me and all of us the courage to create this shift in consciousness within us and on our planet.
I suppose I could write a book about the shooting that day. We were so Hollywood. We had a makeup lady and a beautiful set the art director had created. Even though some of the film crew snickered at us, most of the staff was in awe of what we were creating. I floated through the day on a magic carpet of such energy that I can’t to this day recall exactly what happened or how we did it. The experience felt much to me like a wedding day or the birth of my first baby. Here was something I passionately wanted and created and everything about it flowed magically. Each person shared his or her magic truth, clearly and concisely. It took the entire day but as we headed out of the studio parking lot to have a good-bye supper together we were driving east on the interstate into the most gorgeous spring sunset I had ever seen or have seen since!
Once I was home the whole experience had a dreamlike quality. I could hardly believe it happened. As the days and weeks went on I waited patiently for the finished and edited product. Interestingly, I was half hoping it had all been a dream. It took what seemed like an eternity to me but as it ended up the first video of the Heartlight’s Infomercial arrived at my door on Summer Solstice. The seed had germinated and was blooming into a gorgeous summer flower. My son, Slater, called from college just as the Fed Ex truck arrived and I told him I was too nervous to watch it alone. He suggested that I come down to Iowa City and we watch it together so off I went. I actually was amazed how much I loved it! Slater held my hand and cried. He told me he was so proud of me. That was especially poignant, as he had often felt me a little way out for his conservative view of the world. But we were bonded and I couldn’t have created a more special premier than with my first born.
I made copies and sent one off to Ann. Mark and I watched the show that evening when he came home from work. There were some editing changes I wanted and some music changes also. When I finally heard back from Ann she was in her fear space. She was so afraid this would flop and we would all be hurt financially and emotionally. We talked for quite a while and worked through our feelings and came back into balance. I began to feel that no matter what happened I knew I must do this for some very important reason. Exactly what the reason was I did not totally understand. I remember clearly that night sharing my conversation with Ann at which point Mark took me in his arms and held me so tenderly. Then he pushed me back and looked into my eyes with tears in his own. He said, “Nancy, I am so worried that if this fails you will be destroyed. You have put your heart and soul on the line here.”
As I look back on this now, I feel that Ann and Mark were both expressing fears of mine that I had not been in touch with at the time. The only way I could keep stepping forward was to know in my heart it was for me to do no matter what the outcome and I truly embodied that field.
After a few months of back and forth it was ready to be aired. That presented a new set of issues because, although my ex-husband had bought my share of a property we had owned together, I still had to come up with the financing to air the Heartlight’s show. It had always been my intention to air it in the late hours of night or early morning for I felt that those who watched TV because they couldn’t sleep might be channel flipping and land on the infomercial. I sincerely felt its message would help them kindle a renewed flame within their own hearts. I spent some time on the phone learning about media buys and what would and wouldn’t work. We finally settled on several buys I could afford which would air on off hours on Discovery and a few other less known channels. I had sent videos to all those involved in the show and the feedback had been overwhelmingly positive. I was very excited and I am sure also nervous as the airing approached. We had set up a mail order company. The 800 number was in place and the products had been sent to the appropriate location for shipping. Everything was ready now. It was almost as if I had taken a deep breath in and soon I would be able to exhale. It was the space between the spaces. We had conceived the child. The birth was about to happen. The name was chosen. Would it be what I had dreamed? Of course the answer is “yes” but in a very unexpected and difficult way.
Mark and I set the alarm to wake up at 1:00 am for the first airing, as did others holding the love and energy field for this project. It was truly a thrill for all of us to see it aired on television. Interestingly I had always had a distain for that media, as I have been aware that it is a huge mind control tool and easily addicts us to its wiles. And, yet, there I was creating a transformative experience through a source I distrusted. What a way to integrate the dark and the light of it! That seems to be my pathway on this planet. My media contact had said it would take a few days for the first report but that he would call. Once again I was waiting on pins and needles.
Actually the next day, in the later afternoon, the phone rang. It war Mark from the production company in Kansas City. I remember his words so clearly because they were to shock me and take me into a deeper level of trust then I ever dreamed possible. He said, “Nancy, this is so incredible. I almost don’t have the words to tell you this. There were absolutely no responses. Not even one! Zero! I have done some research and I can tell you that this has never happened in the history of infomercials that I am aware of. Even the worst show has a response and yours is far from the worst. I don’t know what to say to you. I feel so badly!”
As we talked further we agreed to continue with the media schedule and see what shifts. When I hung up the phone I was alone in the house. I was stunned and in shock. After some hours it came to me that Spirit was insisting that I learn and embrace what I had been saying all along. That was that I knew I had to do this no matter what the outcome. But “why?”I asked myself. There were tears and there was fear but still I rode on a tide of belief. I had not completely crashed and burned.
A few days later my media buyer called me and said that he could pick up some inexpensive Satellite time. He quoted me the amount. It was reasonable and almost exactly what I had left. I told him I would sleep on it. Mark and Ann were supportive but I could tell they were almost afraid to say much. They were worried about me. Can you imagine in the movie Field of Dreams if the old baseball players never did show up in his field? What if even Kevin Costner never saw them!
That night I had another wakeful dream. It was as if I was conscious of myself sleeping in the bed. A guide came and lifted me from my body. We floated up and out of my roof. It was as if the roof was translucent because I could still see Mark and I sleeping in our bed although we were growing smaller and smaller. Soon my attention was diverted to a beautiful geometric pattern in space. It vibrated the most incredible colors I had ever seen and the vibration created the most extraordinary symphony of sound. It was very celestial and very chilling. My attention was directed to a spinning Merkabic field coming from earth. It was radiating outward like a spiral and it connected with an orbiting satellite. As it hit the satellite, it lit it up like a brilliant star, which shot into a certain place on the grid. The whole geometric pattern around the earth shook almost as if it was experiencing an earth quake and then became still for a nano-second after which it expanded and became a more complex pattern. It was incredible. I was entranced. I thought that this might be the frequency of the infomercial beaming into space. As I had the thought answers started to come immediately.
I was guided and then even compelled to create this project with a group heart all holding similar intention and activated by this Merkabic field. That intention and vibration were birthed through this infomercial, which gave the breath of life to this consciousness. It then shot out to space and activated a higher level of consciousness in the grid humanity was creating to shift our planet. To say I was awestruck would be an understatement. I was also shown one other field emanating from earth and intersecting mine as it hit the satellite. Now I knew that there was others involved in this activation also. I would soon meet the lady who created this field and she would become a prominent part of my life.
I awoke the next morning knowing beyond all doubt that I was to use the last money to send this creation from my heart into space on the satellite network. I called and set that into motion. Over the next few weeks it aired seven more times. I kept remembering my vision and I kept thinking how incredible this experience truly was. In the end, only 13 Heartlight’s packages were sold through my infomercial. By all worldly standards, it was a dismal failure. It certainly hadn’t created a new and profitable business for me.
I have to share here that “zero” in the Tarot deck represents the fool. When zero was the first response to my project, I looked that up. The fool jumps into what appears fool hearty and is often criticized for his rash actions. Yet it is the fool who sees beyond the mundane. It is his courage that changes the world! What a wonderful message for me. And, the number 13 is the number of resurrection and ascension. Remember there were 12 disciples and the 13th was the energy that created the new reality. Spirit was showing me the way and validating my journey. It only required radical trust!
As an interesting footnote, the infomercial connection led me to meet the other lady activating the compassion grid from Kansas City. Spring, 1997 found me once again on a plane to Washington D.C. to visit my friend Ann and do a workshop which included a sunrise meditation on Equinox morning at the Washington Monument. On the way out I read over my mail. There was a magazine called Connecting Link, which included an article about a woman in Kansas City who was teaching something called the Compassion Formula and was connected to an extra terrestrial source. I felt I needed to connect with her. Once I arrived, however, the excitement of being with Ann and her Washington friends caught me up. Before I went to sleep that night, I threw away the article.
Wouldn’t you know it? At 3:33 I was up rummaging through Ann’s garbage to find the article. I fell asleep with it in my hand. When I awoke before dawn to journey to the Capital Mall for the ceremony, I placed the paper under the phone. I called the number in the article when we returned and after a series of mishaps talking to staff I finally ordered the book about the Compassion Formula. Toward the end of the book, this woman mentioned that the heart of the dove had been opened in Kansas City on Spring Equinox, l996!
Enter Jelaila Starr into my life. Our relationship could be a book unto itself. She has been a major player in my life as teacher, friend and at times adversary. We have worked together and cried together. We have screamed at each other and come back again into compassion. Through her I have learned the value and importance of the dark and have seen myself much more clearly. As I write this story we are about to embark consciously on creating another project to activate compassion in the hearts of humanity. I have a feeling a new earthquake may be about to hit the grid activating it further if we can both use all we have learned to take yet one more step.
As for my infomercial, I would be lying if I told you that I wasn’t disappointed but by the same token I was not devastated. Over the next months following the infomercial, I healed and put that experience into perspective, I was awed by the miracles I experienced. I was blessed by incredible support. I was amazed at the strength and courage I never knew I possessed. I learned to face my fears and stand with those who trusted me and learn from their feelings also. I went into a period of stillness following that fall which lasted until the following spring. I healed. I grew. I loved my inner child and held her as we healed together. I thanked every person, place and energy that came to answer my call and I bless the actual infomercial we birthed. As with every huge drama in our lives, I became more of me and I have spent very little time regretting this event. Mostly I learned radical trust and it has served me well.
Looking back almost ten years later, I can tell you that I am not broke. In fact I live with my husband Mark in a beautiful home on 36 acres with my horses. I am still guided by my visions and dreams and I have had incredible experiences as I have traveled around the world to many sacred sites. Every friend involved in this project is still my friend! I may not see them often, but there are only good feelings about what we joined together to create. I once again learned to leap and trust so that I would remember I had wings and soar. I have jumped into the void many times in my life and never regretted my choices. That doesn’t mean they happened as I anticipated. In fact, they never have! But it means I followed my heart into my lessons and in the process I participated in creating a new field of compassion around our planet. I am one of the happiest people I know in so many ways. And, it is not because I am safe. It is because I learned radical trust while changing myself. I created my field of dreams by healing my wounded heart and reflecting that through my passion into a creation which to this day surrounds our earth. Some can feel it and know its there. Some never will. Some saw the players from the old baseball team appear to play the game in the cornfield in Iowa (interestingly my home) and for others it was not yet their time.
In conclusion, I want to thank those who made this creation possible… my midwives so to speak. I thank and love from the deepest place in my heart those who journeyed with me, radically trusting their hearts to lead the way.